31 day blog challenge Day 13

Day 13 of the 31 day blog challenge

Day 13: Do you have regret?

Yes, I do. The things that I regret the most is being dishonest and hurting people close to me. I have been dishonest until I caused a problem for my cousin and I and our relationship. That's when I had decided to change that about myself. One thing I have been trying to avoid but it seems impossible, is hurting those close to me. It's as if I am constantly pushing them away. This is one thing that I hate about myself and I wish I could change it. Dishonesty and hurting people that are close to me, those are the things that I regret the most.

That's it for today's challenge!!

I hope you stick around until the end!!

Have an amazing day!!

Thoughts over sleep

Have you ever had those nights where you can't sleep because your brain is on overdrive? I have one too many of these nights and it really ruins my sleeping pattern. Sometimes I wish my mind would just take a chill pill and let me be. I was so ready to sleep tonight, eyes closed and everything...then, the brain starts going. I can't sleep because my mind was playing out different scenarios.

The scenarios seem so realistic in my mind and I wish one day they will become a reality. Hard thing is, most of these scenarios seem too good to be true. It's mostly day dreaming or fantasizing, and majority of the time it puts me down. On the nights that I have to deal with these thoughts I listen to music to hopefully fall asleep. "Nope! Not tonight!" says my brain that just can't seem to find a way to stop.

I really do find it quite unrealistic how just one person can take over your mind so much. I was playing out scenarios of what it would be like to meet him. I was wondering what it would be like to look into his eyes and not being afraid to say anything. Then, knowing my mind, puts in a negative...finally meeting him and feeling that he won't like me and I just walk away. That's reality I guess, there are always going to be ups and downs no matter what.

This statement could be true...I really do hope it is to some extent. Although, it's hard to believe it because a lot of people have mixed up sleeping patterns and/or insomnia. Also, time difference can be a big factor as to why this can't be true. Anyway, it would be nice to know that that special someone is out there. That special someone is probably thinking the same things too.

Well, that's a bit of a ramble/rant wasn't it? Especially for a 3 am post all while I'm drinking cranberry juice. This was a short post, since I need to try and sleep. I hope all of you can sleep peacefully, I wouldn't like to see others go through this. Have a good night's sleep or a good morning. 

The song I am listening to while trying to fall asleep is:

My Awake by Late Night Alumni

 

~*Kaeli YouJae*~

~*Good night or good morning*~

My missing piece

Recently, I have been feeling as if I have found my missing puzzle piece. I have been thinking about how much this person has in common with me. It's actually quite scary how much we have in common, whether it be actions or intellect. It is also all natural for the both of us to do what we do. To me, he is so perfect, there is nothing that I don't like about him, I love everything about him.

Although, I haven't met him yet, I feel as though I have known him for a long time. I feel as if I have met him before or something along those lines. Every time I see him I just have to smile, he makes me so happy. He may make me happy at times but, he also brings tears to my eyes. I'm afraid that someone is going to take him away.

I want to be his, I want to be his everything. I had a sudden attraction to him and it came from absolutely nowhere. I never thought I would be this attracted to someone or have these feelings towards someone. It just took one look and for me to say, "Hey, that guy is quite attractive." Then, all of these feelings came from there and they have grown stronger ever since.

He is literally the other side to me, the other half, and my missing piece. Just watching him from afar and seeing all of the little things he does, I fall in love repeatedly. I even find the odd things he does to be attractive, meaning: things that you usually wouldn't find cute. I don't know if this is creepy or not, but, I love watching him eat. Like I had said earlier, I love everything about him, even the small things.

I honestly would do anything for him, he makes me feel so encouraged and supported. Lately, I have been pushing myself to do very well in school for him. I have been pushing myself to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode. I always tell myself though that this is for him. He makes me feel good about myself, and he makes me feel that whatever I put my mind to I can do it.

He inspires me each and everyday. Seeing him do his best all the time, makes me want to do the same. There are just countless and admirable things about him that I just can't describe. I would like to say that he has made me a better person. He has also taught me to look at the world at a different perspective. 

I learn something new from him almost every day. He makes me look forward to each day, whether it be bad or good. He just makes me feel so alive, so alive that I'm just happy to be living and breathing each and every day. Knowing that I can see his smiling face every day makes my life worth it. He gives me that extra push to keep on moving forward.

Whenever I think of him or look at him I get those butterflies and my heart beats a little faster. I can't help the way I feel about him, it's quite hard to tell if this is an "infatuation" or "love". If I were with him, I wouldn't mind being away from him for a little bit, everyone needs their space. Just knowing that he is alive and happy, that's all that I need. I feel that he is pure perfection to me, maybe a prince charming. ^^

I can't wait until the day I get to finally meet him. That would be the day that I get to find out if it was meant to be or not. I am totally prepared for what may come of the answer. Only time will tell, I just believe that I have to have faith and hope that this may work. No one knows what will happen, I just have to keep my head up and wait for that day. 

I just know that this guy makes me feel like no other could. He is everything that I ever imagined in a guy, he is just too perfect to me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Every little thing reminds me or makes me think of him. I believe in fate, I just hope that this is right. 

I don't want anyone else but him, I know that sounds so cliche but that's how I feel. He has become a part of me, I can't go a day without thinking of him. Most of the time my mind just wanders off to him anyways. These are all natural feelings and I just can't describe fully of how he makes me feel. I can't describe fully of how I feel about him. 

He is just my missing piece, he is special, and he has stolen my heart and is running away with it. I just wish he knew that he meant this much to me. Everyday that goes by, my feelings grow stronger and stronger. Every time I see him, my heart beats faster and faster. I just want him to know that he is always on my mind and in my heart.

<3

chuu!!~~~ <3

Okay, that's all for my post today!!

Hope you enjoyed it!!

Have a lovely day!!

<3

~*Kaeli YouJae*~

Loneliness

Right now, I just really need to get my feelings out. I have currently been feeling lonely, but also okay with being alone...if that makes sense. I am very understanding of the fact that others have their own things going on. I am also okay with the fact that I'm not the center of anyone's universe. I have to admit that not having anyone to talk to hurts a lot, especially since the only people that I want to talk to have time differences.

I really do try to keep myself busy and trying my best not to be a burden to those I want to talk to. Honestly, you can only keep yourself busy for so long until you lose complete interest and all you want to do is sleep. I have gotten to that point, where all I want to do is sleep and not be a burden to anyone. I actually hate to be the first one to make the move, I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm bothering them and I'm always left here thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"

I'm at the point where I'm confused and being confused makes me flustered. Myself, being flustered from my confusion, I tell myself that I should wait until others want to talk to me. When I do such things, the anticipation ends up eating me alive and I feel unwanted or not needed. At times I think to myself that maybe I was meant to wander this world on my own. I always somehow end up pushing people away or they end up forgetting about me.

I have to admit that the only true friends I have ever made were online. The hardships of these types of friendships/relationships is the time differences and that we can't actually meet as we'd like. Due to that, I am not able to talk to them as much as I'd like to. Therefore, I have to wait until they're ready to talk because they know their schedules, in which I don't have one. I have honestly met the point in my life where I know I don't have many friends.

The only best friend that I actually have that lives close to me is Azu. She has been my friend since freshman year of high school, she has always been there for me. I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her, she is my shoulder to cry on. She is also my sister, she has seen me at my worst and always found a way to lift me up. I think that I'd still be at my worst without her in my life. 

Everyone has their ups and downs, but it really does suck to know that you really don't have any friends where you live. Right now, I'm just really stuck and I feel really lonely. Lonely to the point where I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I want to roll up in a ball, cover myself with blankets, put my music on and cry myself to sleep. I think that maybe I just need to take a break from everything. 

I really hate that I'm just starting to feel this way about everything right before my birthday. Like, really? Why now? Maybe it's my way of learning things and growing up, I'm not sure. You know what? I think it's just me and my brain that over thinks every little thing making me feel like shit. Over thinking really does make everything worse and it even creates problems that weren't even there to begin with. 

Just please hang in there with my ranting, I am literally typing whatever is flowing from my brain. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and for myself, I think that talking about this makes things a bit better. On a slightly good note, my friends say that I'm the "brain" of the group and also a "good talker". I have to agree with those statements actually, I do tend to think way more than I should and I can't keep my mouth shut. So, there you have it! 

My rant of all rants!!

I honestly didn't think I would talk this much.

There was just too much on my mind and in my heart.

I had to get this all off of my chest.

I do feel really lonely right now and I guess I just have to endure it.

Without struggle, how are we supposed to strengthen ourselves?

On that note, I will say....

Good night

Much love xoxo

Kaeli YouJae

Rain Sound M/V -B.A.P-

No turning back/changing

Today I would like to talk about the feelings and thoughts that I've been having lately. Ever since I have decided to depart from a group I had created I had been feeling like an open wound. Fresh, open, and vulnerable. I have been over thinking, hurting myself with these thoughts, and noticing a change in myself and others as well. I feel that I am losing those who once meant a lot to me.

Right now, nothing, absolutely nothing makes sense to me.

Blessed with a curse by Bring me the Horizon

I am actually at the point right now where I want to begin to keep a distance. A distance from those who were close, those who caused or cause me pain and those who choose to forget me. I think that at this point, I just need time to myself. No more conversing about fantasies and no more making acquaintances with those who converse about fantasies. I am just so confused and thrown into a whirlwind.

I guess that me distancing myself from everyone will be a good thing. It gives me time to myself and more time for those people to find new things. I have noticed that over these past years, a lot of peoples' lives have become better without me in it. Sometimes, I think that I was just made to be alone majority of the time. I feel that I am a burden to those who have become close to me.

I also feel that once we get close to the fire we get burnt. After getting burnt, we never want to go near it again. Yet, that experience and feeling of getting burnt gets engraved in our minds. Although, there's nothing to change about what happened because it left a scar. Sooner or later it will heal and we will learn new things from that past experience.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm prepared to face these changes in my life. I am ready to move on, and ready to grow up. I am ready to forget all of this and become a better me. It may not be beneficial to those around me but, if it benefits me I'm fine with that. I am ready to face reality and find something new to chase after.

In life, there will always be ups and downs, there is absolutely no way to avoid it. You make mistakes but you learn from them. These challenges and changes in our lives can only make us that much stronger. I am still learning, but I am also willing to put up with mine and other consequences. I have also learned that now, I am practically an adult and I need to take full responsibility for whatever happens.

There will be no more blaming on others.

I am definitely feeling way better after babbling this. I feel like a "brand new" me! Yes, change feels good right now. It feels good to do things for myself once in a while. This is a big step for me, I do feel very mature at the moment. haha! I am a girl slowly turning into a young lady.

I will like to end this somehow, on a positive note. To those who caused me pain, thank you, you have made me that much stronger and mature. To those who became close to me, thank you for letting me be myself and learning to trust people. To those who have chosen to forget me, thank you for giving me memories. To those who want to cause me pain, I don't care what you do, life is life, it's gonna suck sometimes but, I won't let you get to me. 

We all have to learn to deal with whatever life throws at us.

POWER by B.A.P

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!! I'm very sorry if this post does not make a lot of sense. I was just going with whatever my mind was telling me.I apologize for it not being to your liking. 

Good night world!!!

Song of the month

Don't wake me up by Chris Brown

I chose this song because it's very catchy and I love the whole song. I am also very love struck, so I always get reminded of my crush when I listen to this song. The lyrics are very catchy and so sweet. My crush is always on my mind, I listen to this song all the time. Music really can tell or describe how you're feeling.

The lyrics:

Dearly beloved, if this love only exists in my dreams...don't wake me up. 

Too much light in this window, don't wake me up
Only coffee no sugar, inside my cup
If I wake and you're here still, give me a kiss
I wasn't finished dreaming, about your lips

Don't wake me up, up, up, up up, up 
Don't wake me up
Don't wake me..

Don't wake me up 
Don't wake me up, up, up, up, up, up
Don't wake me up
Don't wake me..

So much life in the city, you won't believe
Been awake for some days now, no time to sleep
If your heart is a pillow, this love's the bed
Tell me what is the music, inside my head


I don't wanna fall, fall, fall, fall asleep no,
I don't wanna fall unless I'm falling for you

I am just so love struck...that's all I can say.

I really do feel that love is in the air, a lot of people I know are finding their "mates" or "partners" per say. I am so happy for them and even myself for finding a guy I am so fond of. Love really is a wonderful thing and I feel that it should never be taken for granted. I also have to say that everything should happen naturally. <3

Okay, well that's enough of my love rambling once AGAIN. That is it for the song of the month. I do recommend you listen to it if you're interested.

Have a sweet loving, heart racing day!!~ <3

:3

Love Pt. 2

(c): photobucket.com

On Saturday, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend and his best friend (my date). It was the best day ever, since I have been cooped up inside the house for a long time. It was a double date and I enjoyed every second of it. :3 <3 The day was filled with laughter and love. There are no words to explain how happy I truly am. <3

(c): animecartoondrawing.com

I honestly have to say that I believe in this thing called "love at first sight". This was my first time meeting my best friend's best friend (if that makes sense). When I laid eyes on him, I couldn't help but smile and feel my face light up. Usually when I meet new people I would shake hands with them. This time I automatically hugged him without even thinking. 

(c): moviebetter.com

It was so easy to talk to him, most of the time when I meet new people I would be extremely shy. With him, I felt so comfortable and confident. We talked about anything and everything, we were laughing most of the time. It feels good to get to know someone new. Also, someone I can share interests with and relate to. 

(c): loveswallpaper.com

I know it seems that I have fallen very quickly for this guy. I just felt an instant attraction to him, it all came naturally. In my eyes, he is pure perfection, I would do anything to make him happy. For example, if he was not ready for a serious relationship I would wait for him. I have very strong feelings for him, I really don't care what others think.

(c): kootation.com

I really like this guy, I just hope that it will work out in the end. I just can't seem to get him out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I see him and remember everything that happened between us. I just keep smiling and then I start to giggle. I have become that happy little girl that I had remembered being.

(c): gerberbabycontest.net

I'll admit, I do fall quite fast for people....but, I had never felt this way about anyone. I'm love struck and got an arrow shot into me by Cupid. I am just so happy right now and I can't hide it. I can't even sleep because he's all I can think about. He really left me with a racing heart and stars in my eyes. lol 

Definitely felt those sparks with him.

I'm sprung.

<3 <3 <3

Have a wonderful and fun loving day!!~

Love

(c): mycutegraphics.com

I would like to talk about my feelings about Love today. Personally, I am okay with being single, I enjoy being able to do things by myself. I have been single for quite a while now, I don't feel the need to be with anyone. I think it's fun being single because you have a lot of time to yourself. You also have a lot of time to hang out with your friends. :)

(c): fabulouslyfrugirl.com

Although, recently I have been slowly getting back into Love again. Thing that's holding me back though is myself. I have Fear, a lot of you can probably relate to this. I am in fear of Rejection and not being good enough. I am also in fear or nervous, that when I start talking to them I may just sound down right Stupid. 

(c): sterling-wellness.com

I want to start off as friends with any guy that I am attracted to. Another thing, I think a lot of us can relate to, is talking to that person that you want to get to know. Like I said, we are in fear of sounding dumb and being rejected. We are also nervous to talk to that person that we like or have a crush on. I know that I am definitely feeling fear and being nervous.

(c): pinterest.com

I guess, at this point I think I need to sit down and figure out my emotions. I need to gain confidence and courage to speak up. I was always told to try something, and if I didn't, I wouldn't know what could have happened. So, I'm thinking, maybe I should just give it a try. It may or may not work, but it's worth a try. 

(c): ahouseinthehills.com

Anyways, that was just a little rant that I wanted to get off of my chest. It has been on my mind for a while now and thought a lot of you could relate to it. Hope you all enjoyed it and maybe you can give me some feedback on what you think I should do. I am very scared of what could happen yet, I am so ready to give this thing a try. Have a wonderful day!!

(c): wallpaperswide.com