Thoughts over sleep

Have you ever had those nights where you can't sleep because your brain is on overdrive? I have one too many of these nights and it really ruins my sleeping pattern. Sometimes I wish my mind would just take a chill pill and let me be. I was so ready to sleep tonight, eyes closed and everything...then, the brain starts going. I can't sleep because my mind was playing out different scenarios.

The scenarios seem so realistic in my mind and I wish one day they will become a reality. Hard thing is, most of these scenarios seem too good to be true. It's mostly day dreaming or fantasizing, and majority of the time it puts me down. On the nights that I have to deal with these thoughts I listen to music to hopefully fall asleep. "Nope! Not tonight!" says my brain that just can't seem to find a way to stop.

I really do find it quite unrealistic how just one person can take over your mind so much. I was playing out scenarios of what it would be like to meet him. I was wondering what it would be like to look into his eyes and not being afraid to say anything. Then, knowing my mind, puts in a negative...finally meeting him and feeling that he won't like me and I just walk away. That's reality I guess, there are always going to be ups and downs no matter what.

This statement could be true...I really do hope it is to some extent. Although, it's hard to believe it because a lot of people have mixed up sleeping patterns and/or insomnia. Also, time difference can be a big factor as to why this can't be true. Anyway, it would be nice to know that that special someone is out there. That special someone is probably thinking the same things too.

Well, that's a bit of a ramble/rant wasn't it? Especially for a 3 am post all while I'm drinking cranberry juice. This was a short post, since I need to try and sleep. I hope all of you can sleep peacefully, I wouldn't like to see others go through this. Have a good night's sleep or a good morning. 

The song I am listening to while trying to fall asleep is:

My Awake by Late Night Alumni

 

~*Kaeli YouJae*~

~*Good night or good morning*~

No turning back/changing

Today I would like to talk about the feelings and thoughts that I've been having lately. Ever since I have decided to depart from a group I had created I had been feeling like an open wound. Fresh, open, and vulnerable. I have been over thinking, hurting myself with these thoughts, and noticing a change in myself and others as well. I feel that I am losing those who once meant a lot to me.

Right now, nothing, absolutely nothing makes sense to me.

Blessed with a curse by Bring me the Horizon

I am actually at the point right now where I want to begin to keep a distance. A distance from those who were close, those who caused or cause me pain and those who choose to forget me. I think that at this point, I just need time to myself. No more conversing about fantasies and no more making acquaintances with those who converse about fantasies. I am just so confused and thrown into a whirlwind.

I guess that me distancing myself from everyone will be a good thing. It gives me time to myself and more time for those people to find new things. I have noticed that over these past years, a lot of peoples' lives have become better without me in it. Sometimes, I think that I was just made to be alone majority of the time. I feel that I am a burden to those who have become close to me.

I also feel that once we get close to the fire we get burnt. After getting burnt, we never want to go near it again. Yet, that experience and feeling of getting burnt gets engraved in our minds. Although, there's nothing to change about what happened because it left a scar. Sooner or later it will heal and we will learn new things from that past experience.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm prepared to face these changes in my life. I am ready to move on, and ready to grow up. I am ready to forget all of this and become a better me. It may not be beneficial to those around me but, if it benefits me I'm fine with that. I am ready to face reality and find something new to chase after.

In life, there will always be ups and downs, there is absolutely no way to avoid it. You make mistakes but you learn from them. These challenges and changes in our lives can only make us that much stronger. I am still learning, but I am also willing to put up with mine and other consequences. I have also learned that now, I am practically an adult and I need to take full responsibility for whatever happens.

There will be no more blaming on others.

I am definitely feeling way better after babbling this. I feel like a "brand new" me! Yes, change feels good right now. It feels good to do things for myself once in a while. This is a big step for me, I do feel very mature at the moment. haha! I am a girl slowly turning into a young lady.

I will like to end this somehow, on a positive note. To those who caused me pain, thank you, you have made me that much stronger and mature. To those who became close to me, thank you for letting me be myself and learning to trust people. To those who have chosen to forget me, thank you for giving me memories. To those who want to cause me pain, I don't care what you do, life is life, it's gonna suck sometimes but, I won't let you get to me. 

We all have to learn to deal with whatever life throws at us.

POWER by B.A.P

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!! I'm very sorry if this post does not make a lot of sense. I was just going with whatever my mind was telling me.I apologize for it not being to your liking. 

Good night world!!!