Loneliness

Right now, I just really need to get my feelings out. I have currently been feeling lonely, but also okay with being alone...if that makes sense. I am very understanding of the fact that others have their own things going on. I am also okay with the fact that I'm not the center of anyone's universe. I have to admit that not having anyone to talk to hurts a lot, especially since the only people that I want to talk to have time differences.

I really do try to keep myself busy and trying my best not to be a burden to those I want to talk to. Honestly, you can only keep yourself busy for so long until you lose complete interest and all you want to do is sleep. I have gotten to that point, where all I want to do is sleep and not be a burden to anyone. I actually hate to be the first one to make the move, I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm bothering them and I'm always left here thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"

I'm at the point where I'm confused and being confused makes me flustered. Myself, being flustered from my confusion, I tell myself that I should wait until others want to talk to me. When I do such things, the anticipation ends up eating me alive and I feel unwanted or not needed. At times I think to myself that maybe I was meant to wander this world on my own. I always somehow end up pushing people away or they end up forgetting about me.

I have to admit that the only true friends I have ever made were online. The hardships of these types of friendships/relationships is the time differences and that we can't actually meet as we'd like. Due to that, I am not able to talk to them as much as I'd like to. Therefore, I have to wait until they're ready to talk because they know their schedules, in which I don't have one. I have honestly met the point in my life where I know I don't have many friends.

The only best friend that I actually have that lives close to me is Azu. She has been my friend since freshman year of high school, she has always been there for me. I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her, she is my shoulder to cry on. She is also my sister, she has seen me at my worst and always found a way to lift me up. I think that I'd still be at my worst without her in my life. 

Everyone has their ups and downs, but it really does suck to know that you really don't have any friends where you live. Right now, I'm just really stuck and I feel really lonely. Lonely to the point where I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I want to roll up in a ball, cover myself with blankets, put my music on and cry myself to sleep. I think that maybe I just need to take a break from everything. 

I really hate that I'm just starting to feel this way about everything right before my birthday. Like, really? Why now? Maybe it's my way of learning things and growing up, I'm not sure. You know what? I think it's just me and my brain that over thinks every little thing making me feel like shit. Over thinking really does make everything worse and it even creates problems that weren't even there to begin with. 

Just please hang in there with my ranting, I am literally typing whatever is flowing from my brain. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and for myself, I think that talking about this makes things a bit better. On a slightly good note, my friends say that I'm the "brain" of the group and also a "good talker". I have to agree with those statements actually, I do tend to think way more than I should and I can't keep my mouth shut. So, there you have it! 

My rant of all rants!!

I honestly didn't think I would talk this much.

There was just too much on my mind and in my heart.

I had to get this all off of my chest.

I do feel really lonely right now and I guess I just have to endure it.

Without struggle, how are we supposed to strengthen ourselves?

On that note, I will say....

Good night

Much love xoxo

Kaeli YouJae

Rain Sound M/V -B.A.P-