Loneliness

Right now, I just really need to get my feelings out. I have currently been feeling lonely, but also okay with being alone...if that makes sense. I am very understanding of the fact that others have their own things going on. I am also okay with the fact that I'm not the center of anyone's universe. I have to admit that not having anyone to talk to hurts a lot, especially since the only people that I want to talk to have time differences.

I really do try to keep myself busy and trying my best not to be a burden to those I want to talk to. Honestly, you can only keep yourself busy for so long until you lose complete interest and all you want to do is sleep. I have gotten to that point, where all I want to do is sleep and not be a burden to anyone. I actually hate to be the first one to make the move, I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm bothering them and I'm always left here thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"

I'm at the point where I'm confused and being confused makes me flustered. Myself, being flustered from my confusion, I tell myself that I should wait until others want to talk to me. When I do such things, the anticipation ends up eating me alive and I feel unwanted or not needed. At times I think to myself that maybe I was meant to wander this world on my own. I always somehow end up pushing people away or they end up forgetting about me.

I have to admit that the only true friends I have ever made were online. The hardships of these types of friendships/relationships is the time differences and that we can't actually meet as we'd like. Due to that, I am not able to talk to them as much as I'd like to. Therefore, I have to wait until they're ready to talk because they know their schedules, in which I don't have one. I have honestly met the point in my life where I know I don't have many friends.

The only best friend that I actually have that lives close to me is Azu. She has been my friend since freshman year of high school, she has always been there for me. I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her, she is my shoulder to cry on. She is also my sister, she has seen me at my worst and always found a way to lift me up. I think that I'd still be at my worst without her in my life. 

Everyone has their ups and downs, but it really does suck to know that you really don't have any friends where you live. Right now, I'm just really stuck and I feel really lonely. Lonely to the point where I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I want to roll up in a ball, cover myself with blankets, put my music on and cry myself to sleep. I think that maybe I just need to take a break from everything. 

I really hate that I'm just starting to feel this way about everything right before my birthday. Like, really? Why now? Maybe it's my way of learning things and growing up, I'm not sure. You know what? I think it's just me and my brain that over thinks every little thing making me feel like shit. Over thinking really does make everything worse and it even creates problems that weren't even there to begin with. 

Just please hang in there with my ranting, I am literally typing whatever is flowing from my brain. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and for myself, I think that talking about this makes things a bit better. On a slightly good note, my friends say that I'm the "brain" of the group and also a "good talker". I have to agree with those statements actually, I do tend to think way more than I should and I can't keep my mouth shut. So, there you have it! 

My rant of all rants!!

I honestly didn't think I would talk this much.

There was just too much on my mind and in my heart.

I had to get this all off of my chest.

I do feel really lonely right now and I guess I just have to endure it.

Without struggle, how are we supposed to strengthen ourselves?

On that note, I will say....

Good night

Much love xoxo

Kaeli YouJae

Rain Sound M/V -B.A.P-

My older sister Jaehwa

Today I would like to talk about my "older sister" Jaehwa. To be honest, she actually isn't older than me but, she sure acts like it. Ever since I met her I knew right away that we would get along. I knew that she would be as sweet, loving and caring as she is. She is also a great leader, I am inspired by her and I look up to her. 

She is one of these recent friends that I have made and become very close to in such little time. She is already family to me and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She also has this "mother-like" trait to her, she wants to take care of us. The way I had been introduced to her was very awesome. There was just something so perfect about it and I liked it a lot.

The way that I was introduced to her, was by my little sister Mina! They have been friends long before I came into the picture. They are two peas in a far out pod and they both make me so happy. I am happy to have both of them in my life. I am so glad that we all became so close and became a family. 

Back to Jaehwa, there are so many qualities about her that just lighten up the mood. She literally is always happy every time I talk to her or video chat with her. There is never a time that I don't see her smiling or laughing. She also has this soft spoken, gentle yet, strong voice to her. I love that I can talk to her about anything and she doesn't judge me.

I feel that I can go to her for anything and she'll be ready to listen and give me advice. She is also a very talented poet, well...so I have heard from Mina. I find that very awesome though because for myself, I find it quite hard to write poems. From my perspective, I think you need a lot of skill and imagination to write poems. I know that she definitely has those things. 

I really do look up to her for her great imagination and leader skills. She inspires me to try my hardest at things and to always keep my head up. She even inspires me to be myself 150% of the time. She helps bring the funny, weirdo and giggly side out of me. She really is the best unnie I could ever ask for in our little family. 

There is no such thing as judgement when we are together. We forget about everything and just live for the moment. Life is too short to be worrying, let's just have fun. We are never alone because we will always have one another. Does she have a heart of gold, I think so.

Unnie, when we are together let's just drop everything and just go crazy.

I promise that I will always be by your side through whatever.

Let us work together to solve problems.

When you, me and Mina actually meet let's promise to make unforgettable memories together.

Unnie, you are silly...

Cool as a cucumber...

ALWAYS shining those pearly whites...

Creative and ambitious...

Most of all....

You are a blessing to your little B.A.P family.

Saranghaeyo!!~~~ Jaehwa <3

Let us take care of one another.

Much love xoxo

Kaeli YouJae

Growing up

Hello!!! Today I would like to just show you pictures of me throughout the years. I guess I can say that I've "changed" or "matured". I went through a lot of "phases" and a lot of crap. Then again, what human doesn't? I would like to say that a lot of my changes were for the best. 

The changes in my life had only made me stronger.

Please enjoy my selfies. 

(They will be going from oldest to most recent)

Another reason why I brought up me growing up is because my birthday is coming up. My goal is to become a better me, to be more responsible, and to become a young lady I was blessed to be. I also want to be truly happy in which I am almost there. I want to meet the people I have become quite close to and earn my own money. I want to be successful for myself and for my loved ones.

I want to be the best that I can be for myself and for those who love and care for me.

I will forever be....

FIGHTING!!!~~~

Have a great day!!!

~Kaeli YouJae~

Song of the Month

This month's song is:

"BADMAN" by B.A.P

I chose this song because it was recently released on the 5th (in the US) 6th (in Korea). I feel that this M/V has a strong message and some may take it as good or bad. Whether it was intended or not, I still love it. I just love the fact that it came from B.A.P and they never cease to amaze me. They always bring something new to the table and that's one of the reasons why I love them.

I also had noticed that my one and only bias Youngjae had a lot more parts. Well, so it seems to me that he did and he seemed a lot more handsome. He was so manly, attractive and just too much for my poor little heart to take in. This song had me hooked from the very beginning to the very end. I am addicted to this song and the boys/men in them...B.A.P!!! 

B.A.P makes my life that much more exciting!!!

I love them to death.

Here are the lyrics to BADMAN:

The despair that I hear in the darkness

The world that is ridden with fear

I will overthrow everything

This crazy world

I will change it

All you who close your eyes over money and threats, get out

On the news, everyone’s a public enemy

Psychopaths are crazily flying all over the place

This is a war against crime

I will repay you the exact same way

Tooth for a tooth, eye for an eye, remember those words

There’s no forgiveness in us

I gotta feeling

I can’t hold it in, give it up

I gotta feeling

It’ll be the day you close your eyes

You’re in danger

You messed with the wrong person, get away

Becuz I’m cuz I’m Dangerous

I’m a Badman

I will imprison you in darkness

AH! AH! AH! AH!

See how you’re ridden with fear

I’m a Badman

I will sweep all of you up

Don’t give me any kind of excuse in the end

Badman (yea yea) Badman (yea yea)

Yeah guys, who dares to stop us?

The air in this city is so suffocating

You’ve been wrong since the beginning, come here, I’m serious

I won’t stop till I cut off all the dirty leaves

I won’t yield

You will shed the same tears, you got that?

I gotta feeling

Burn it all up, burn it up

I gotta feeling

It’ll be the day you cry out

You’re in danger

You’ve reached the end, get away

Becuz I’m cuz I’m Dangerous

I’m a Badman

I will imprison you in darkness

AH! AH! AH! AH!

See how you’re ridden with fear

I’m a Badman

I will sweep all of you up

Don’t give me any kind of excuse in the end

Badman (yea yea) Badman (yea yea)

Why do you keep provoking me?

Now kneel down

I don’t like you

When I see you, I lose control

Badman

Why do you keep provoking me?

Now kneel down

I don’t like you

When I see you, I lose control

Badman

When you see us, please run away

Because we will never leave you alone

I’m a Badman

I will imprison you in darkness

AH! AH! AH! AH!

See how you’re ridden with fear

I’m a Badman

I will sweep all of you up

Don’t give me any kind of excuse in the end

BANG YONGGUK

KIM HIMCHAN

JUNG DAEHYUN

YOO YOUNGJAE

MOON JONGUP

CHOI JUNHONG

There is the song of the month!!

Have an awesome day!!!

xxx Kaeli YouJae xxx

My favorite number

My favorite number is....

I honestly don't know why 3 is my favorite number. I just naturally like it and there were incidents in the past, where 3 has done me some good. It was quite lucky for me, and the number made me feel really good at times. Also, since I have a bit of OCD, I would do little things in threes and I would always have to be number three in everything. In class, I would have to be third in line and third to answer a question.

Three also makes me think of the words...

I Love You

This is just one weird thing that I have found. It may seem weird but, it is also a very cool thing. I was watching B.A.P videos on YouTube and I came across these things. It's awesome because my ultimate bias kept on picking it naturally. I am always so surprised by this and there are no words to explain how awesome this is.

YoungJae kept on picking number 3~~~!!! What is this?! This is so amazing to me~~!!! If I end up finding more I will definitely update this. I am so unbelievably happy about this, I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Who cares, I'm happy and I don't care what others think of me. 

Okay, today was a really short post but, I just had to spread my happiness. This just goes to show how much i love the number 3 and my ultimate bias. Two of my favorite things all rolled into one! Why shouldn't I be super happy? Well, I hope you enjoyed this post!!!

Have a wonderful and amazing day!!!